Cow or Lama?
by hyperpsychomaniac
Summary: SG-1 gates to a new planet and discovers a strange animal with a Jamaican accent. CHAP 2 up! Cow and SG-1 go shopping. But letting them out of the SGC might not have been such a good idea...
1. Default Chapter

SUMMARY: Sg-1 gates to a new planet and discovers a strange animal with a Jamaican accent. Me and my sister wrote this one together on a car trip when we were really bored. So don't give me all the credit (or criticism for that matter). 

CONTENT WARNINGS: Really weird.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Stargate! (although I wish I did). And don't bother suing me, I don't have any money. Unless you want a talking pikachu, then you can sue me for him. J 

Cow or Lama?

One day Sg-1 went through the Stargate to a new planet. They started to walk along when Jack saw a weird looking creature.

"For crying out loud!" said Jack, "What's a cow doing on this planet?"

"It appears to be grazing," replied Teal'c.

"I can see that," retaliated Jack.

"That's not a cow," said Sam

"It's a lama," added Daniel.

"I thought it looked ugly for a cow,"said Jack.

Then the lama looked up at Jack. "Hey man, who ya calling ugly," it said, "you're the one who's ugly."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! It talks!" screamed Jack.

"Of course I talk man," said the lama, "you talk, I talk, see?"

"We haven't 'gated to the 'Emperers New Groove' have we?" asked Daniel curiously.

"This is weird," said Sam. "Everywhere we go people or aliens or Jaffa or Gould speak english. But now a lama? This is ridiculous!"

"Weird indeed," stated Teal'c.

"Is your name Kuzco by any chance?" asked Daniel.

"Why would it be that man?" said the lama. 

"Um, because we've landed in the 'Emperers New Groove'," said Daniel.

CLUNK! "Shut up Daniel!" yelled Jack, hitting him over the head with a frying pan.

"Owww!" complained Daniel.

"Anyway what is your name?" asked Sam.

"Who me?" said the lama. "I am Cow."

"Figures," said Sam and Jack together.

"Who are you?" asked Cow.

Jack wasn't sure if he could trust Cow. "The name's Bond, James Bond."

CLUNK! "Yay!" said Daniel. "I got him back!"

"Ouch," said Jack.

So they told Cow their *real* names.

"Hello and 'ouch' to James Bond," said Cow.

"Jack," the team corrected in unison.

"Ohh, OK," Cow replied. "Hey excuse me, why do you have a gold tatto on your head?"

"I am Jaffa," answered Teal'c.

"Jaffa? Me do not understand. Ohh, you mean one of those red lollies with chocolate inside, but without the red shell!" exclaimed Cow.

"Group huddle!" called Jack. "Sam, next to me. I don't think we can trust him."

"Why not?" asked Sam. "He's so cute."

"Ohhhhhhhhh another Jaffa, except with the red stuff on," said Cow sticking his nose in Jack's backpack.

"Oi! Give me that back now!" yelled Jack.

"I did not know we were allowed to pack chocolates in our field rations," said Teal'c.

"We're not," said Daniel.

"I see," said Teal'c.

Next thing a Gould ship flew overhead.

"Ohhhhhhh man a ship!" exclaimed Cow.

It started firing.

"Oh no it's a Gould ship!" said Jack. "To the Gate!"

"We have to take Cow with us," said Sam.

"Alright," replied Jack, "let's go!"

Daniel dialed in. Then he, Teal'c and Sam ran through the open gate. Cow was very slow so Jack grabbed him and ran through the gate, just as a blast of energy hit where Cow was standing.

"You saved my life!" exclaimed Cow. "Thank you."

"Yeah whatever," said Jack.

"Sg-1 report to the briefing room," said General Hammond over the loud speaker.

In the briefing room: "O'Neil why did you bring home this cow?" asked the General.

"Lama!" they corrected.

"Oh, Lama."

"Hey man who you calling a cow! I'm a lama, but you can call me Cow," said Cow.

"We'll have to send him back through," said General Hammond.

"You'd think he'd go 'ahh, it talks'," said Jack to Sam.

"Waaaahhh!" cried Cow.

So they dialed throught the gate. But it would not open.

"I think it blew up when me and Cow came through," said Jack.

"That means I can stay with you!" said Cow.

"YAY!!!" said Jack.

He immediately had the attention of the entire room.

"What?!"  
"Thank you!" said Cow and gave Jack a big hug.

"Waaahhhh!" cried Daniel.

"What now?" asked Sam.

"That's so beautiful!" wailed Daniel.

CLUNK! "Owww!" cried Daniel.

"I did not know a frying pan was a standard issue weapon," stated Teal'c.

"Well it is now!" said Jack. "Come on Cow let's go shopping!"

"I'm in that!" yelled Sam.

"I as well," said Teal'c.

So all of Sg-1 and Cow went shopping. Except for Daniel, who was unconcious. And they were all happy shopping, except Daniel (who was still unconcious).

THE END.

"Um, What's shopping?" asked Cow.

Was that good? Please tell me it's good (or bad I don't care). We're thinking of writing another one about what happens when they go shopping. Please review and tell me if you want more!


	2. Cow goes shopping

Yes, I finally got this part done! I posted it as chapter 2 so people won't get confused or think I'm weird. Well, it probably won't help with the second part. Enjoy and please review!

* * *

"Shopping is when you go and buy things that you need. You exchange it for this stuff, called money," Sam explained to what looked like a cow, but on closer inspection turned out to be a lama. SG-1 had found Cow (he's a lama, but his name is Cow) on a planet very much like earth (as most are). Since the stargate there had been destroyed he had stayed on earth and gone shopping with SG-1 (except Daniel, who is currently unconscious).

"Hey, man! I think I'm going to like shopping," Cow exclaimed, bouncing around excitedly.

"I believe animals are not permitted in shopping centres," said Teal'c.

"Come on Teal'c!" said Jack. "No one's going to think Cow's a lama."

"They may think he is a cow," Teal'c replied. "They are also not allowed."

"Guide dogs are allowed!" said Sam suddenly.

"In English, please," said Jack.

"That was English. Guide – dogs – are – allowed."

"Oops! My mistake, you were just talking too quickly, thought you were going all technical again. Never mind, go on."

"Cow can be a guide dog, then they'd let him in."

"Is this idea wise?" queried Teal'c.

Sam and Jack exchanged looks. "No."

"I wanna be a guide dog! Yippee!" exclaimed Cow. "Um… what's a guide dog?"

So Cow was a guide dog. They decided that he should be Jack's guide dog since Jack would have to wear sunglasses in the shopping centre to make it more realistic. As Jack usually did anyway he would be less likely to bump into things than the others. Unfortunately this reasoning did not take into account his usual clumsiness.

!CRASH!

"Ow!"

"O'Neil. I believe that is not a real door."

"Well what else would it be! Oh… it's a billboard for 'Monsters Inc.' Hey look, fishing gear!" Jack exclaimed. "Come on, Teal'c! Teal'c…? Where'd he go? Oh, well. Coming, Carter?"

"Well…"

"What's fishing, man?" asked Cow.

"I'll show you in a minute," Jack replied, looking down at Cow. "Come on, Carter, let's show… Hey!? Where'd she go now?" Sam had also disappeared. "Oh, well. Come on, Cow."

They went down to the fishing section where Jack began to tell Cow about fishing.

"Now this is how you caste a line, Cow," said Jack and demonstrated. The line flew into the next aisle.

"Hey, I caught something!" Jack exclaimed. "Wow, it works better without water!"

Jack reeled in the line. On the end was a stuffed fish.

"Yummy!" said Cow. He tried to eat it but spat it out. "Doesn't taste too good, man. Maybe we should try someplace else."

"Oh! I know, aquarium!" said Jack excitedly. "Come on, Cow."

Jack payed for the rod. He and Cow quickly ran off to find the aquarium.

Meanwhile, Sam and Teal'c, having escaped from Jack were in at the video game arcade. Sam was playing a game where you had to smack the alligators on the head otherwise they bite Mr Turtle.

"Mr Turtle has died, or his had his head bitten off," (since when are these mutually exclusive?!) stated the game. "Thankyou for playing."

"Not fair!" pouted Sam. "What did Mr Turtle ever do to you?"

"I believe I have a game strategy," stated Teal'c. He inserted a quarter into the machine. Then, doing a really fancy kung-fu move (complete with backflip) he attempted to smash it. Nothing happened.

"That move is not allowed," stated the game. "Mr Turtle has died."

"Hey, let's buy you some new clothes, Teal'c," Sam said, noticing a store across the aisle.

"I agree, Major," said Teal'c.

Meanwhile, at the SGC…

"You're saying SG-1 was infected by a strange disease which could make them act totally irrational and exhibit strong signs of stupidity?" General Hammond asked the doctor.

"But we always do that," said Daniel (who is now conscious). "Wait…"

"Which is why they are so dangerous," explained Doctor Fraiser. "We must get them back to the SGC before their stupidity spreads."

"How come I'm not affected then?" asked Daniel.

"It could be one of three things," said Doctor Fraiser. "A: you're already too stupid to be infected; B: you've been exposed to the stupidity of SG-1 for so long that you're now immune; or C: being hit over the head with a frying pan too many times."

"Well, we need to get Sg-1 back before their stupidity spreads," said General Hammond. "But we don't want to make a fuss, so I'm sending you Daniel to bring them back."

"Really?" asked Daniel excitedly. "Yay! I get to go on a mission!" He started dancing around the room. " I get to go on a mission! I get to go on a mission!"

"Are you sure he's not affected, Doctor?" General Hammond asked.

"I was, but now I'm starting to have doubts," Doctor Fraiser replied.

Back n the shopping centre Jack, Sam, Teal'c and Cow had met back up.

"Hey, cool clothes, Teal'c," said Cow.

Teal'c was wearing a canary yellow suit.

"Major Carter said it matched my eyes."

"So what happened to the fishing gear?" asked Sam.

"Ah, me and Cow decided to go fishing in the aquarium. Can you believe they kicked up out?! And… and they took my fishing rod! Waah!" Jack started crying. "Teal'c, I sniff I need a hug."

Teal'c gave Jack a hug.

"Teal'c!!!" choked Jack. "I – can't – breathe!"

"My apologies, O'Neil," said Teal'c, releasing him.

Just then Daniel arrived.

"Guys, you need to come back to the SGC. You've been infected by a, um… stupidity virus."

"But I wanna shop!" exclaimed Cow. "Shopping's cool!"

"Yeah, Daniel!" said Sam. "We're shopping and you can't stop us!"

"You don't understand! It's contagious. You could infect our entire planet with stupidity!"

"Sorry to break it to you Danny," said Jack, "but stupidity is one thing we can't save this planet from. Besides, what's a bit more stupid gonna do?"

"Right, I guess I'm going to have to do this the hard way," said Daniel. He pulled out a water gun.

"Quick run!" shouted Sam.

"But why, man?" asked Cow.

Jack grabbed him as a spurt of water hit where he'd just been standing.

"You saved my life again! Thankyou!"

"Just shut up and run!" shouted Jack. Unfortunately he was still wearing his sunnies and didn't see a low hanging sign.

!CRASH!

Cow, Teal'c and Sam stopped.

"No! Go on without me!" said Jack.

Teal'c and Sam continued on. Cow grabbed Jack and dragged him into a kitchenware store.

"Ha ha! I have you now!" said Daniel following Jack and Cow.

"You should have left me!" said Jack.

"You saved me twice, man. I couldn't leave you."

"I love you Cow!" said Jack giving him a hug.

"I love you too, man!"

Just then Daniel came around into the aisle.

"I have you now!" said Daniel. He laughed evilly. "Mwhah ha ha!"

"Help!" said Jack.

"Hey, man catch!" called Cow. He threw Jack a frying pan, just as Daniel fired a deadly spray of water.

Jack held the frying pan up and it acted like a shield, deflecting water in all directions.

"No, foiled!" said Daniel.

"These things are handy," said Jack. "We should take them on all our missions."

"It cannot save you forever. Mwhah ha!" Daniel continued to spray Jack.

"No – too – powerful…" said Jack as the spray of water drove him back.

Suddenly Sam and Teal'c appeared. They had gone back to the arcade and brought back some laser guns off a game.

"Daniel stop!" shouted Sam.

"What?!" growled Daniel stopping shooting at Jack.

"To continue with this course of action would be unwise Daniel Jackson. We will be forced to shoot you," stated Teal'c.

"No! I shall shoot you! Mwhah ha ha!" Daniel turned the water on Sam and Teal'c.

"Heads up!" yelled Jack. He threw the frying pan at Daniel knocking him unconscious.

"Ow!" said Daniel.

"Nice shot, sir" said Sam.

"Thanks, I didn't want you to have to shoot Daniel."

"Nothing would have happened O'Neil," said Teal'c. "They were not plugged in."

"Yeah," added Sam, "they wouldn't give us any extension cables."

SG-1 returned to the SGC. They figured that Daniel had caught the stupidity virus himself and after seeing its effects they didn't want it to spread.

Cow had wanted to keep on shopping so Jack made him happy by buying him a pair of sunglasses so they could leave.

"Oh, now we can be cool together!" said Cow.

"Well," said Doctor Fraiser, "it appears Daniel did have the stupidity virus. Only it didn't manifest itself properly until he got a hold of that water gun."

"Well how come it didn't affect the rest of SG-1 as badly?" asked General Hammond.

"They were virtually immune to it. They're already so stupid it had little effect."

"Hey!" said Sam.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

"Yay!" said Jack. "Wait…"

"Anyway," continued Fraiser," they should be alright now. I believe the stupidity should have worn off by now… well, enough that it isn't contagious."

"Good," said General Hammond. "Oh, and Cow, you can go back home now. The Torkra have a base near your planet and they've offered to take you back on their ship."

"Oh yay!" said Cow.

So Cow left.

"Goodbye everyone!" he said leaving through the stargate. "I'm gonna miss you all."

"Bye Cow!" said Jack. "Waah! Teal'c another hug!"

"As you wish O'Neil."

"Ahh… air!"

THE END

"Hey, General," said Jack, "I need to talk to you about getting frying pans as standard weapons."


End file.
